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Uncertainty

Uncertainty…anxiety…the word that plagues us most…worry…

These are common feelings for every person, but I think that I cornered the market on worry prior to 2014.  What would I worry about?  I worried in any situation in which the outcome was not 100% certain.  In other words, I worried about everything.  Would this light turn green?  Would I lose my job today?  Would my wife realize that she married a moron? Would my future child love me?  I may be exaggerating, but only slightly.  This type of worry consumed me, even when it was completely unwarranted.  This is the go to play from the enemies playbook. If you focus on everything that can go wrong, it removes your focus.  It adds fear, and fear can paralyze you.  The interesting thing is, 99.9% of my fears would probably never come true (except for the green light, it always stays red for me).

God has interesting ways of showing us His Grace, His Mercy, and His Power.  The diagnosis of multiple sclerosis is one that I found ironic, fitting, and in His Plan.  It does not have the same effect on any two people.  It is one of the most unpredictable diseases that you can experience, and you never know what the next hour may hold for you.  What a humbling experience for someone who thought he was in control of his own life. I was so consumed by fear, but I found something very interesting.  It is said that the best way to conquer a fear is to face it.  I had no choice but to face this fear, and I found that the only way to do that was to turn to Him for everything.  As much as I had been living in turmoil prior to June 24, 2014, I found that it faded very quickly as I turned to God in a sincere, broken manner for the first time in my life.  I had always been concerned with what people thought, or how I looked.  How would I deal with walking with a limp, with crutches, or possibly being in a wheelchair? I remember the night that God very clearly told me that those things didn’t matter, and that through Him I would always be the most confident person in the room.  In saying that, I don’t mean the confident (sometimes cocky) person that I externally portrayed before.  I mean the kind of confidence that can only come through God.  It doesn’t make sense, from society’s way of thinking.  I can’t count the number of times that I have been asked if I would like them to hold my crutches while I have a picture taken.  At first, I would hesitate and say “sure.” Now I look at it as this is His Plan.  This is who God made me to be.  You don’t get rid of your legs for a picture, so neither will I.

This is the greatest gift that I have ever been given.  I thank God everyday (yes, there are frustrations) that He has trusted me with this part of His Plan.  I was speaking with 7 or 8 close friends who are strong men of God.  We were talking about our greatest fears.  As surprised as they were, I was even more surprised when I said that my greatest fear was to wake up the next day and be completely healed.  After the surprised looks, I explained it by comparing it to seeing a policeman’s blue lights in my rearview mirror.  You see the police car’s lights, and you begin making promises of reading your Bible from cover to cover.  The police officer gives you a warning, and you speed off while forgetting the promises you made.  This disease is God’s reminder that I have to turn to Him to provide strength for my day.  It is also His Promise that He will.  God’s Plan very rarely looks like ours, but it is so much greater than anything that we could imagine.  I have to remind myself of this everyday, and I don’t even wish to pretend that it is easy.  The peace doesn’t come from knowing that I could lose all ability to walk, but it comes from knowing that if I do, it is in His Plan.  I look forward to sharing that Plan with you as He reveals more of it in His Perfect Timing…

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